Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?