I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Van Gone
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.