I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

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The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.


Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth


Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.


Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.


Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.


To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”


“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.


I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?


s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic


My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.