@BoomBoomBetty
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
@juicymorsel
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
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@BoomBoomBetty
@Darlainky
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
@its_me_your_mom
Oh deer
@IvoryGazelle
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
@Playing_Dad
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
@Skoog
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
@ericsshadow
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
@autocorrects
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
@RickAaron
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
@causticbob
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.