I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?