Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

Animal poetry

concern

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome