I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
May never get over this
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.