I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct