Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

😂😭

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

I think this cat is broken

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down