I hate my earbuds.
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i feel so bad i refunded him
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I stand by it
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich