Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

I used the label maker

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.