i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*