i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*