i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one