Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Monday

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.