i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
so this horse walks into a bar
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install