i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
You Might Also Like
Hotels are back
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.