i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
