Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh