Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER