Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.