Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Sign at work today

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.