I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Every damn time
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.