I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
What kind of a cult is this?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*