I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
