I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.