I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You Might Also Like
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.