I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
You Might Also Like
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
you could not pay me to delete this app
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.