I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Oh. My. God.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.