I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
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Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect