I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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