I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
You better watch out
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Buck naked
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
💀 😭
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why