I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!