I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants