I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Just had my nails done!
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot