I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Monday?
No. Next question.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I thought this was funny lol
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three