I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
You Might Also Like
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Oh the world we live in…
