I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.