Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Well, my evening plans are ruined

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’