Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

🖤✌🏽

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.