I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.