I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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Okay, I’m still confused…
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Do one person every day that scares you.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy