Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.