I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You Might Also Like
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.