I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.