Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

S/o to @funTweeters .

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.