I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.