“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe