Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

ㅤ

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

how DARE

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH