I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
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🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
