I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
😂💯
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
💀💀
