Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.