serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
accurate
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago