Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Erm I’m gonna say no

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.