Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there