Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Oh. My. God.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list