I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
😂😂😂
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.