Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I love you…

…r dog.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD