I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line