Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

It’s on my to-do list.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

a god among men

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!