Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.