I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*