I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
You Might Also Like
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
😭😭😭😭
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
I can’t deal with men any longer
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same