I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
mechanics be like
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first