Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars