Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.