Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

For those that worship cheese..

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining