I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda